Maryn meets her body
On yoga clothing and recovering from obsessive modesty
This is sort of a continuation of a past post, “Maryn is recoloring her brain,” which I wrote about my experiences with religious OCD. That post doesn’t need to be read first, but it provides additional context if you’re curious.
Carry on!
I just had a spiritual experience trying on yoga clothes. Allow me to explain.
I grew up in a culture where it was not uncommon to find the phrase “Modest is Hottest” in cutesy lettering plastered on items like wristbands and chapstick and given to teen girls. I can say this because I once had a “Modest is Hottest” chapstick. It was brown and pink with polka dots.
Modesty is strongly emphasized for girls growing up in Mormonism, like it is in many other religions. Dressing modestly felt like something I had to do in order to be as good as possible so that I would be worthy in the eyes of God. So naturally, with my religious OCD (that I didn’t know I had at the time), modesty was one of my many unhealthy obsessions in the pursuit of goodness.
My shoulders never saw the light of day, apart from swimming, and only in a one-piece or tankini. I wore undershirts under everything. Before stepping outside, I’d test the fidelity of my outfit by bending over (cleavage and hemline test). I made sure my neckline went no lower than three fingers below my collar bone. For years, I only wore knee-length or longer hemlines. All of this and more to ensure my goodness.
I’m shaking writing this. It was all too much. But I didn’t realize that until a few years ago when I finally broke and was forced to reexamine how I live my life for my wellbeing.
Since then I’ve gradually been pushing my dressing horizons. I’m still an extremely modest dresser by any standard, but I’m also actively opening myself up to new clothing styles that make me squirm a little bit. Two years ago, it was short hemlines! And last summer was the summer of tank tops. I’m discovering that I love letting my skin have some air and that this doesn’t make me a bad person. Groundbreaking, I know.
Most recently, I stretched myself by ordering new yoga clothes. I’ve never attended an in person exercise class as an adult, largely because I’ve been so uncomfortable in my body all these years. I’m planning to try in person yoga with a friend, but first I needed new gear (I’ve been meaning to replace my very old yoga pants for years).
I finally sat down to order some yoga clothes and a full body jumpsuit caught my eye, something I would have never considered previously. (Skin tight all over? Exposed shoulders and back? An open, slightly dipping neckline? Big no-no’s in previous Maryn’s brain!) I quickly added it to my cart plus another set to be safe, then checked out without letting myself think too much.
When my order arrived, I was nervous. I braced myself to be filled with shame as soon as I tried things on.
Instead, I tried the jumpsuit on and instantly beamed. I couldn’t stop staring at myself in the mirror. I did a little dance. I was stunned in the best possible way. I felt so at home in my body.
I feel so at home in my body.
And now I know how special and truly good that is.
I’d love to know
What is your relationship with modesty and dressing yourself? Have you ever worn a yoga jumpsuit? What’s an item of clothing you own that brings you joy?
goodies
Inspired by
, here are some links I’ve sent friends recently:“Why Are We Buying Clothes for Lives We Don’t Have?” from
. Excellent prompts to reflect on what we think we spend our lives doing vs. what we actually spend our lives doing and how that impacts the clothes we buy.Dudel, a free iOS app that gives you a daily unique shape to create a drawing from and cultivate your imagination.
Not me wondering if I should grow out a subtle pixie mullet! Please weigh in.
@youbelonginthis, an Instagram account dedicated to restyling Taylor Swift. The most recent reel about their hopes for The Tortured Poets Department aesthetic is spot-on!
Merry People, an aptly named women-owned rain boot brand based in Australia that is now on my wishlist (and ships within the US!).
Until next time,
Maryn (is here)
Yep yep yep, I was just thinking about 'modest is hottest' this week. I remember reading this thing as a teenager called 'the modesty survey' where some teenage girls interviewed a bunch of guys to ask whether things like visible bra straps or sitting crosslegged were 'stumbling blocks'.
I now love a good tight top and avoid maxi skirts like the plague.
The weirdest part for me has been realizing that I was told my body had this weird power to ensnare men and it just...doesn't work that way. I've worn a miniskirt to work and all my male coworkers treated me like a normal person who has good ideas in meetings. The creepy guys were always going to be creepy! The hemlines aren't the issue!
Love the jumpsuit and love you! So happy you are embracing what a wonderful human you are!