Maryn is not okay sometimes

On the black goop of depression

Aug 07, 2023

When I was about 15, I developed a certain fear.

I became afraid of this thing that to me felt like the black goop that takes over Tobey Maguire’s Peter Parker in Spiderman 3. This black goop has a life of its own. A little bit latches onto Peter, it grows to envelop him and ultimately turns him into something he’s not.

At the age of 15, I became afraid of depression.

To me, depression felt like the enemy of my real self. My real self feels vibrant, alive, joyful. But when depression looms, the real me shrinks.

As a teenager, I didn’t necessarily know I was experiencing depression. I just knew it scared me. Whenever I felt it creeping in, I prepared myself to be taken over by it. At the time, I felt defenseless. So I allowed myself to be consumed, just hoping for it to end soon.

In the years since, I’ve learned much more about mental health, my brain, and how to cope. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still a little afraid of the black goop of depression.

The black goop paid me a visit recently. My initial instinct was to self-analyze and attempt to figure out the combination of circumstances that led to it. What happened? Where did I fall short? How did I allow the black goop to seep through?

(I’m really having fun calling depression black goop.)

When the black goop pays me a visit, it looks like:

thoughts that I’m worthless and unloveable
a lack of motivation to do much of anything
an overall feeling of being pulled down, like I’m drenched in molasses
wanting to lay in bed for hours
believing that those who care about me actually do not and that everything is wrong with me
telling myself a story that everyone else around me has the secret to happiness and I somehow missed out on it
etc!

In short, I’m not a fan of the black goop. While as a teenager I believed I was fully defenseless to it, I think as an adult I’ve tried to tell myself that I could outrun in, or outsmart it. As long as I’m doing XYZ things to maintain my well-being, the black goop will never catch me!

But if it does catch me, I then spiral into shame. How could I have let it get to me? I’m supposed to be better than this. Which naturally only makes the goop stronger.

If I’m being honest, for the two years I was in grad school, I didn’t have the capacity to fully work through any bouts of depression. I had to keep moving and getting work done, however sluggishly. Now without the distractions of school, I can’t look away from it for long.

Here are some things helping me work through this period of the black goop.

Separate yourself from the feeling.

I’m a big feelings person, and I often tend to blur the lines between my identity and my feelings. So when I’m depressed, it’s all too easy for me to believe it’s who I am. But it’s not! The goop is something I am experiencing, but I am not the goop. And it will pass.

Remember it’s not your fault.

There are so, so, SO, so many factors that contribute to mental health. I can’t control them all. I realized that this round of depression might be related to my cycle! (Thanks a lot, PMS!) Knowing that this may be a pattern helps me be more aware and accepting. But even if it wasn’t related to my cycle, blaming myself isn’t going to help.

Do something, anything.

Getting yourself to do stuff when you’re depressed is excruciating. See: feeling like you’re drenched in molasses. If you can muster up a single iota of willpower to do a simple task, then take it and run with it. And then try to maintain the momentum, one thing at a time. If you can’t muster up a single iota of willpower yet, that’s okay. Give yourself grace and watch another episode of Heartstopper Season 2. Maybe watching Nick and Charlie in love in Paris will boost your iotas.

Tell someone how you feel.

It feels so much worse when you keep it to yourself. Let someone in on what you’re going through. Let them be there for you. Dog or human. Either is acceptable.

Maybe look into antidepressants.

I’m currently taking Adderall for my ADHD. In the past, it seemed to help my depression too, but now I’m thinking I need to try an antidepressant. A preventative de-gooper. Seems like a good idea. I’m excited. Will report back!

Above all else, love yourself.

I’m not good at this one when I’m gooped, but I need this reminder, so here it is. How would you treat your loved one if they were depressed? Hopefully with lots of love and compassion. Give yourself some of that love. And also eat some chocolate pie.