Maryn had a birthday
But had a breakdown first
My birthday was on December 6th! Woohoo! I had plans to write some sort of post reflecting on what this year has been like for me because it’s been a big year. I turned 29, so maybe it would be “29 Things I Learned This Year!” Or something. But then I couldn’t bring myself to write a post like that. Too much pressure, perhaps.
So I wrote this instead.
I had a birthday! I treated myself to a few gifts to celebrate, but the gift I really wanted to give myself was feeling good.
My birthday last year kind of stunk. It was in the thick of finals and I had a massive project due that week that was more or less meant to be a representation of myself, my learning, and my professional goals. Naturally, I overthought it and pivoted right until the very end. It turned out okay, but I felt like crap on my birthday. I felt like a big failure because I couldn’t get my brain to do what I felt it needed to do.
So this year, all I wanted was to feel good! And not like that! I wanted to feel content with myself and life. And thankfully, for the past several weeks, I have been feeling that way. (Is it the antidepressants I started a few months ago? Is it the combo of therapy and coaching? Is it the immense privilege of having access to these things? Is it the freedom of no longer being in school? Is it the weaning myself off of Instagram? Is it the growth I’ve made this year? Is it all of these things and more???)
And then the weekend before my birthday, I sort of had a little bit of a breakdown.
I’m a recovering people pleaser. For much of my life, I was exceptionally skilled at playing a role: the strait and narrow Maryn who doesn’t rock the boat and who, more than anything, wants the people in her life to be happy with her. This led to an intense fixation of always seeking to be as good as possible, and obsessing over what “good” meant based on what those with authority taught.
When you continuously look to external sources for how to live your life and to define what’s good for you, over time your self-trust erodes. And so does your identity. (Or, rather, you never get the chance to establish self-trust and an identity in the first place.)
I’ve spent the past few years digging deep and building my self-trust and identity from scratch — all so I can take ownership of my life and live in a way that I know is good for me.
But recently, I slipped. In making a big decision that now affects me every day, I reverted to not trusting myself and allowing someone else to decide what was good for me. Relying on others isn’t definitively bad, of course. But in this case, I could feel myself shrinking back into my little Maryn self, thinking, I don’t know anything. I am small and weak and therefore I will let you tell me how I should live my life and who I should be.
Once the decision’s effects took place, I recognized that uncomfortable feeling of having forced myself into a situation to appease someone else. Like squishing myself into a straw, with my insides pushing up against each other. Instead of making someone else marginally uncomfortable by insisting I take the time I needed to figure out what was good for me, I let them decide for me. And I believed them. I abandoned myself.
Once I realized this, I spiraled.
And then I spiraled because I spiraled. I had been so steady for weeks! No spirals allowed! Especially not leading up to my birthday!
Thankfully the wise Maryn of several weeks ago knew that I would appreciate a therapy session before my birthday. My therapist pointed out that my recognizing I had abandoned myself was a sign of my growth. My spiraling after realizing what had happened was a sign of my growth too! Because I know that isn’t how I want to live my life anymore.
While I can’t go back and handle the genesis of the situation differently, I’m grateful to know that I’ve got my own back. I’m looking out for myself. I’m giving myself the space I need to figure out how I want to live my life. Sometimes I slip, but I can meet those slips by remembering who I am and that I can trust myself. I’ve got this. I’m good.
Happy birthday to me.
birthday snapshots
Freddy, Monet (our dog), and I spent a few days in D.C. to celebrate my birthday! We ate a lot of good food and did a lot of window shopping and window watching.
It was an excellent birthday, by the way. Maybe my favorite yet.
I’d love to know
How is your December so far? What have you learned or unlearned this year? How do you like to celebrate your birthday? What’s the tastiest thing you’ve eaten this month? Have you had a good spiral recently? What’s on your mind?
Substackers Against Nazis
I had already drafted this post when I became aware through
that Substack is platforming and monetizing Nazis (linked: an article from The Atlantic investigating this). Along with many other Substackers, I won’t be sticking around if Substack continues to make this a safe space for Nazis and white nationalists to spread hate and bigotry. Not that Substack loses anything if I leave. But still.You can read a public letter to Substack’s leaders below:
Until next time,
Maryn (won’t be here if
continues platforming and monetizing Nazis)
Happy birthday! And huge support and cheering you on over here for your growth in all the ways - especially exploring where you can best meet your own needs. I do find that it's possible to pivot once we've made a decision that we come to find is not aligned for us - pivoting with integrity is possible. And, yea, it may make the other party uncomfortable but if it's an adult, they can handle discomfort, disappointment, etc. Congratulation on your growth! You are awesome!
Mmmmm your birthday based on those desserts looks real nice. And that new coat is fabulous!