Maryn is healing by pixie cut
On hair and honoring yourself
A quick note: If you’re reading this in your email inbox and find that you hate reading it in your email inbox, please know that you’re not alone. I much prefer the experience of reading directly on Substack, which you can always do on my little site or in the app.
Carry on!
One of my core childhood memories is the first time I got a big haircut. I think I was about eight — I had long, golden locks and was determined to have them cut short. So my mom took me for a haircut, and as the stylist grouped my locks into a ponytail and snipped it off (can we talk about the glorious sensation of scissors cutting dry hair?), I couldn’t stop grinning. It was automatic — this was what I wanted and now that I was seeing it in front of me, I couldn’t help but beam my face off.
I’ve always been somewhat adventurous with my hair. I’m not one of those people who is ultra-precious with it and is terrified of making any changes to it. Hair is hair! It grows back! And I’ve experimented with mine many, many times over the years.
Another side of my hair story is that I’m not very good at doing hair. I’m not being self-deprecating — I genuinely feel like I have some disconnect between my brain and my hands, and my hands simply won’t do what I want them to. As a teen, I watched in awe as my friends perfected techniques like straightening, curling, french-braiding, all the things. To this day, it still feels like magic to me. How! Do! They! Do! It! I tried desperately to learn. My attempts mostly ended in deepened angst and self-loathing.
In hindsight, maybe my haircutting adventurousness stemmed from frequent dissatisfaction with my hair. Maybe if I have it cut again it will all be fixed!
My most drastic haircut of all was in the 9th grade. 9th grade was a tough year for me — it was the first year I can pinpoint my struggles with depression and anxiety (although I didn’t know it then). A real crappy time, and for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to look like Audrey Hepburn. Maybe if I looked like her — cut the hair, work out so I could be twiggy like her, dress like her — I would be happy!
Reader, cutting my hair like Audrey Hepburn did not make me happy (nor did it make me look like Audrey Hepburn).
If anything, it made my mental health much worse. I didn’t recognize what was happening in my brain, and now I didn’t recognize myself on the outside too. It was scary. Plus, the not knowing how to do hair problem! And I have such thick hair! Not a great combo for an impulsive, depression-driven, drastic haircut. I started growing it back out within a few months (a wild journey in itself that I don’t wish on anyone).
I didn’t keep a lot of photos of myself from this time. It was dark and I was embarrassed by how I looked. It wasn’t till about my senior year of high school — a good two years later — that I felt okay in my hair again.
From that point on, I kept my hair long. I still experimented, chopping it somewhat shorter every other year or so, then letting it grow back out. But never back to the pixie cut. In fact, I did my best to deter anyone from getting a pixie cut. For me, the pixie cut was inextricably linked with misery and I wanted to spare anyone from that fate.
Then two summers ago, in the middle of some intense efforts to understand and rediscover myself, I started getting the super short haircut itch again. This time I knew to proceed with caution, to take my time, and make sure I really wanted it.
I started gathering inspiration on Pinterest, and it cracks me up looking back at it now and seeing the progression of pins:
-bob
-bob
-bob
-… pixie cut? … no! I wouldn’t dare!
-bob
-bob
-bob
-bob
For a brief moment, my little inner voice squeaked out the possibility of trying a pixie cut again. But it was still too scary.
I ended up getting a very short Joan of Arc bob and regretting it. (Humidity is not my friend! Also, styling is not my friend!)
And then, the unthinkable happened: I listened to my little inner voice nudging me to consider a pixie cut again.
I gave it some time — about a full year after my regretted bob haircut. And then I set up a consultation with a very good stylist. I told her my sad story of having a pixie cut as a teen and not taking it well. She responded, “That’s because you weren’t ready for it then. But you are now.”
We set a date and within a few weeks, I was back, ready for the transformation.
She carved away at my hair (there’s a lot of it), and eventually, there I was.
And I couldn’t stop grinning.
I should note that it still took a few rounds of cuts before we figured out the pixie cut for me. And it took some time for me to figure out how to do my hair (it involves a beanie to flatten the mass as it dries). But wow, does it feel good to finally have a style that I feel completely at home in. I’m forever grateful for my stylist and her magic ways.
My next potential hair adventure: PLATINUM. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but again, I’m taking my time before I make the commitment. I haven’t dabbled with color at all (except for a single time getting very minor highlights) so now that I have a cut dialed in, I’m excited to potentially expand my hair horizons.
What is your hair journey? Is it also profoundly linked with your spirituality or do I think about things too much (maybe don’t answer the latter question)?
GOODIES
I’m constantly sending a flood of unsolicited articles and links to friends and Freddy, so in an attempt to mitigate that, I thought I’d share some here instead! You’re welcome!
I’ve been eating up all the Barbie movie content and the result is a glowing continuation of my crush on Greta Gerwig. I’ve loved reading a few profiles on her Barbie process, including this one from The New York Times Magazine. (And yes, I am fully obsessed with Margot’s press tour looks and Billie’s song, thank you very much!)
I’m not sure how I came across Ernie the Rock Snake but I love the community spirit of it so much and I want to create something similar in my neighborhood.
The new Sigur Rós album is my current go-to focus music that makes me feel like the main character of a Walter Mitty-esque movie.
I confess that I’ve never paid much attention to the U.S. Surgeon General in the past, but I’m blown away by Dr. Vivek Murthy and how he’s prioritizing the nation’s mental and emotional well-being. This microsite about social connection in response to the declared loneliness epidemic is especially lovely. Also, Dr. Murthy’s guest appearance on the On Being podcast is a must-listen.
Mari Andrew’s most recent post, “A life without Instagram,” was so moving it made me want to throw my phone out the window. I have not. But I still want to. But. But. But.
I love these ideas for taking yourself on a date, in comic form via my favorite Cup of Jo.
That’s all for now, folks!
Until next time,
Maryn (is here)
The haircut is perfection! You look happy and adorable! I love your back and I get to keep up with you again. I always enjoy your adventures. Love ya tons♥️
I gasped out loud when you said platinum may be your next journey!! Gasp gasp gasp!! I love the thought and I love your hair adventures so much. The thoughtfulness behind your decisions is special and I’m glad you share it. 💛