Maryn is existing and that's enough

On decoupling worth from a career

Jul 03, 2023

I’m not 100% sure where this newsletter is going. Some of my favorite moments in life are those leap-of-faith moments when something feels right, and even though it's vulnerable and scary, you go for it anyway. And then something like magic happens if you’re lucky. So I guess this is me hoping for some magic, although I imagine there will be some bumps and scrapes along the way too. I’m here for it all (or at least that’s what I’m telling myself, the girl who had a panicked vulnerability hangover after publishing her first post — but I digress).

At this point, I imagine my posts will be reflections from my week and little anecdotes of things I’m learning or experiencing. Likely to be paired with photos and maybe doodles and other creations. Something like that.

So, here goes nothing, I guess?

Earlier this week, you would have found me huddled in a ball on the couch, arms wrapped around my blue dragon Squishmallow and my face buried into it, feeling empty and hopeless. (Also there: Freddy on the other end of the couch, attempting to comfort me.)

I feel like you need a visual of the majestic Squishmallow (gifted to me by my brother) I was burying my face into and I felt like drawing so we’re in luck

You see, I’ve spent the better part of the last three years trying to figure out my professional path. The attempted figuring out brought me to grad school, where I spent two years learning new skills, building a portfolio, trying to picture myself in a bigger, bolder career, and often feeling like my classmates were much more successful in these things.

So I carved out my niche. I chose projects that felt true to my values and as time went on, I felt like I was getting closer to cracking the code of my future. I made connections and felt pulled to a unique type of design which ultimately led to a job interview. Everything seemed to be falling into place. It was going to be my dream job, at a dream company. I couldn’t have imagined a better fit.

Can you guess where this is going? After a few interviews and an intense roller coaster of trying-to-keep-my-hopes-up-but-not-get-too-attached later, I didn’t get the job. I was devastated. And it was dark for a bit there.

We’re going to have these shadows represent my dark state of mind

The devastation turned out to be useful. It forced me to take a hard look at myself and reevaluate. I realized some things about myself, namely that I had been wanting a job to fulfill all my needs in life: not just an income, but also community, belonging, connection, values alignment, purpose, joy, growth, etc. And yes, these are good things to find in a job. But at the end of the day, a job is just a job. And my life is so much more than a job.

I got the rejection and moved on from it weeks ago, so why was I despondent and face-down in my Squishmallow this week? Coming from my particular grad school, known for its high rates of job placement specifically in competitive creative industries, I’ve felt the pressure to land some rad new job that says something about how successful, accomplished, and valued I am. A job that says, I have all the skills and experience that are just the right fit for [insert super neat creative company here]. A job that says I amount to something.

And the overwhelming feeling I’ve been having is that perhaps I don’t really amount to anything in the professional world. I have a lot of random skills and interests, and I’ve dabbled in so many things, but I’m not so good or so experienced in one thing that someone will be clamoring to hire me. And then, being the sensitive soul that I am, I take this all personally and start wondering if I don’t amount to anything … period.

Don’t worry, Freddy helped me snap out of it. It’s a brain trap I’m frequently falling into and clawing my way back out of. I hate that society often makes us feel like our career defines our entire lives and that we, as people, are measured by our work skills and experience. Forget being a human aside from all that. Forget all the hopes, dreams, and ambitions found outside of work.

As I’ve been pondering all these things this week, this thought came to me: “Maybe I don’t have to amount to anything. I can just exist and that’s enough.”

My worth is separate from my skills, experience, career, earning potential, and job candidate desirability. My worth is inherent in my existence.

Fancy that.

Silly comic brought to you by an old book I thrifted in Paris (with the intention of getting into collage-making — I made *one* collage) plus my POSCA markers

Here’s to existing.

I’ve been reading a lot of thought-provoking pieces about our relationship with work. Here are a few I’ve loved:

“This Will Change the Way You Think About Ambition” by
Anne Helen Petersen
in which she interviews Rainesford Stauffer about her new book All the Gold Stars. The whole thing is excellent, but this quote helped me realize I am in fact an ambitious person (which I never believed before): “To me, if we really break it down, a lot of ambition is where we put dedication, care, and passion. That could be how we’re of service to other people, how we show up as a friend, and how we invest in what we love, whether it’s a community or a hobby.”
“I'm Bored and Dissatisfied and I Have No Idea What I Want From My Life!” from
Ask Polly
on learning to find and trust your inner voice telling you what you really want in life. “Joy lives inside your cells, even now. You don’t need anything to change in order to feel it.”
“You Aren’t What You Do (Even if You Do What You Love)” by
Simone Stolzoff
, whose book The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life from Work recently came out. A snippet: “To tether your self-worth to a job is to put your fate in the hands of an entity that won’t always be able to love you back. But when you see your work as one aspect among many that make up who you are, you’re able to see your job for what it is: a living, not the entirety of your life.”
This perfect comic by stinky katie. “Do I really need to achieve huge things in my lifetime in order to make my time here worthwhile? Or would it be okay to simply exist, be a good person, and experience life at my own pace?”
This commencement address excerpt about redefining ambition from writer Anand Giridharadas. “I’m not saying be less ambitious. I’m saying be ambitious about your whole life, about everything, not just your work and your career.”

I love reading and thinking about this stuff, so feel free to comment or send any related goodies my way!

Maryn is existing and that's enough

On decoupling worth from a career

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